Here I go…AGAIN.

16 11 2008

I have been MIA for a week or so because I have been bad, real bad.  Eating and drinking whatever I want whenever I want it.  I am too afraid to stand on the scales.  I know I have gotten heavier, I can tell by the way my clothes are fitting.

I think I will jump on the wagon with S and do WW.  I know how to do it, I am just not a huge fan.  I do better counting calories because I know my limits and with points I get carried away and have them all eaten by dinner time.  I know that doesn’t make since but it is true.  So I will spend this week tracking points.  I will stand on the damn scales tomorrow morning and give you my ‘true’ weight.

I have a really hard time doing this when I feel so confident.  I look in the mirror and don’t get mad or sad, I am content.  I like my curves and I like food.  But at the same time I don’t want my 3 little girls to grow up thinking my weight and the way I eat is normal.  I want them to see me eating healthy and exercising, regardless of my size.  That is what is important, teaching them how to eat properly and stay fit.  And if I did just that I would, in fact, lose weight.

So as I embark on this AGAIN I will do it with a different attitude.  I am doing this for my health, not for my self confidence or to be sexy.  I am already sexy, no matter what anyone says.  I want to be healthy, happy and live life to the fullest.  When I run in the yard with the girls I don’t want to be out of breath after 2 minutes of playing.  I want to be more active and feel great!!  And I will…

On a different note, I want to let all the great commenter’s to S know how much it means to not only her but to me.  It is really hard to put your life out into ‘blog’ world, but when you do and you get positive feedback it helps.  It helps you maintain your mind set, and reach your goals!  Knowing that others concur and agree allows you to explore your thoughts and feelings even further which helps you reach in and grab that last piece of what you need for success…So thank you all.



Alcohol Repeat

31 10 2008

I as well have found myself drinking more and more to try not to eat. Although I do drink VODKA & WATER so that I do get my water in and it only has 64 cals. add a little lime and it taste pretty good. I was down this morning 1.4 but not to say much cuz i must have been up yesterday. I didn’t weigh.  This week has not been good for me at all I have been yo-yoing back and forth. Sorry no post yesterday work is about to kill me. I don’t seem to have a min to myself right now. So much going on and no time to do it all in. Well I will try to post some more later but for now it is off to work I go again.

Much love, stay strong, starve on,

xoxo S


30 10 2008

I have come to realize that not only am I fat, I am a binge drinker.  Troy told me last night that I just don’t know when to stop.  He tried to categorize me as an alcoholic, but I know I am not.  I explained that I binge drink, or at least I fit that category.  I had one OJ and rum last night, which is very good for me.  Normally I start and can’t stop.  

I totally blew my eating yesterday, I didn’t track at all.  I have been sick with a sinus infection for 2 weeks now.  Yesterday I felt horrible.  I also haven’t been on the scale in 3 days.  Sometimes I wonder if I have enough control to do this.  Food is like a drug for me.  I use it in the wrong ways.  It was my medication for feeling sick yesterday, that is wrong.  If I can just track again I would be fine.  I know that I can do 800 cal or less if I don’t drink, I have done it b4 *LOTS OF TIMES*….It is all the alcohol that is killing me.

Up 2 Pounds, WTF?!

27 10 2008

I went Saturday and got me some rum.  It is 64 calories a jigger and I am doing shots so that is 1/2 the calories of a beer and more alcohol.  I drank beer and rum sat. night, yes I am a drunk.  I was down .5 yesterday but up 2 today!!  I think I must have eaten extra salt yesterday because I didn’t have nearly as many calories yesterday as I did Saturday.  

Water and lots of it today.  I am getting quite addicted to the albuterol.  Not sure if it is helping but I like the shaky high feeling from it.  It does grumpify me tho.

I have already had 500 calories and it is 10 am.  Not good.  But I had 1/2 of Full Throttle energy drink that was 100 calories alone, and I ate toast at 6 so I was hungry again at 9:30 so I had a FF weenier and baked lays.  

This afternoon well be busy.  And tonight is the fall festival that I am taking the girls to for their trick or treat.  So as soon as I get home I have to dress the big girls and go to get candy.  I think Troy will just keep the baby here, it might be easier that way.  Being busy makes me eat more, most would just be too busy but I am hungry all the time when I am busy.  I guess because I am using more energy.  I hope you are having a good morning!!!



Week 1 Stats*how much I have lost…

26 10 2008

I am not gonna post my weight…but I will post that I have lost 6 pounds since last Sunday when I started this adventure.  That isn’t that bad, I could have done better.  I feel like I need to cut back the alcohol and eat earlier.  I also think some form of exercise is in order this week, walking, sit-up, something.  I have been really active this week, but nothing extra.  

I am not eating very much at all, but I am drinking all of my calories, which IMO is worse.  I just can’t help it.  I feel so hungry at 4 pm and when I drink a beer all that hunger disappears…Then I want more beers, LOL!

I did another Albuterol treatment this am.  I don’t like how it makes me feel, I get really grumpy.  I think it helps tho, like the Clen would.  I just need to buy some of that.

Still the same

25 10 2008

I have been the same for 3 days now…getting pissed off myself.  I just took my first albuterol treatment this am and I am shaky, but I know it will work it did in the past.  My stepsister wants to go to the cafe to eat this am..I can’t even get away from there on the weekends, grrrr!  I am going to get Troy beer today so I am gonna get me some coconut rum, I love that stuff and it is less cal than beer.  I have realized over 1/2 the cals I am ingesting are from beer and I am eating way to late at night.  

I am sorry for your frustrations, I hope you get things straightend out at the school…I am sapposed to be going to my friends house tonight to hang out, but the baby ran fever yesterday so we will have to see how she is today.  I am not gonna go if she isn’t feeling good, even if it is my sister keeping them.  More later….guess I have to get ready to to smell yummy food and not eat it!!!

Friday Morning

24 10 2008

No change here…still the same as yesterday.  This is when I begin to get frustrated.  I am getting the breathing machine out this afternoon and see if that doesn’t help.  I know that I am not eating that much, I mean you are eating way less than me, but I am eating maybe one solid meal a day.  Yesterday I ate 2 and the last one was late and I went to bed right after.  I know I should eat 3 hours b4 I lay down, but it is hard cuz DH eats so late.

I am going to the school for the little pumpkin patch thing today.  That will be exercise for sure, chasing 4 and 5 year olds all over a play area!!  *fun fun*  I took 5 sudefedrines and 2 hoodia this am 8 oz of the strawberries/banana V8(which is gross, btw, I prefer the regular for 80 calories for 8 oz to this for 50 calories)  I am taking 1/2 an onion bagel with me to the cafe in case, and a can of regular V8.  I hope I don’t eat at all, but smelling all the food sends me over the edge :P…I hope you were down this am, I will try to be on messenger this afternoon.  I think I may pick up some laxys just to clean me out…I think you are already clean, but you had a point.  My body is still full of crap that hasn’t come out yet.  I need to do a liquid fast and detox for sure.

Just gonna go one day at a time…I can’t get it off over night*sadly*